Setting and honoring boundaries
The new year often brings refreshed intentions or goals. They may be specific or vague, defined or still forming. As we settle into this year, we might find ourselves gaining momentum on them or struggling to prioritize them.
Our ability to call forth our aspirations is greatly influenced by how we set and honor our boundaries. This piece explores how to do this with the help of a case example.
Setting boundaries
Boundaries come in all shapes in sizes – there is no “correct” boundary out there for us all to follow. The best way to set (or reset) them are to do so in relationship to:
Our intention and deeper ‘why’
Our current state
Our sense of joy, excitement, and curiosity
Reflect on your intention or goal you are carrying and explore your deeper ‘why’. What is the most important thing about achieving it for you? Let’s examine a case study:
Anya* spent much of last year overwhelmed and exhausted by the demands of her day-to-day life, working too much, and feeling deeply impacted by the pain in the world. This year, Anya wants to practice better self-care and get involved in creative projects and social causes. She has decided to meditate in the mornings and evenings, exercise for an hour each day, and spend her Friday afternoons researching her interests. Reflecting more deeply, the most important thing about achieving this is so she can feel more alive. She wants to feel more energized, inspired, present, creative, and fulfilled.
Next, explore what will catalyze progress on your intention/goal. In doing this, consider your deeper ‘why’ – are you directly addressing it? Look at your current state – are you setting yourself up for success? Lastly, does this catalyst evoke your joy, excitement, and curiosity?
Upon considering the above, Anya realizes that her plans feel more laborious than exciting, joyful, and curious. They feel like more things ‘to do’ in addition to her demanding job – is she really going to feel excited about computer research on Friday afternoons after she’s ready to end the week? Add to that, Anya has never had a consistent meditation practice and exercises about once a week. She also sees how her plan may not really be a ‘catalyst’ to feeling more alive, inspired, present, creative, and fulfilled. Instead, Anya explores a more immersive process that directly addresses her deeper ‘why.’
Anya designs a 1-hour morning ritual where she: meditates for 5-10 minutes, visualizes and connects to the artist insider herself, asks it “what will bring me alive right now?”, follows whatever it says, and closes her ritual by asking her inner artist “what is one thing that will bring me alive today?” Anya feels excited about her new plan and curious about what will emerge for her. She imagines her inner artist could tell her to dance, write, exercise, contemplate, connect with people – the possibilities are endless! And while dedicating an hour each morning is a challenge, focusing on one thing vs. three feels easier for Anya. Most importantly, it directly addresses her deeper ‘why’.
With a clearer catalyst, now ask yourself: what do I need to say YES to and NO to in order to make this happen?
These are your boundaries.
For Anya, she needs to say YES to prioritizing herself, a consistent sleep schedule so she can wake up by 7AM, and an hour each morning for her ritual. She needs to say NO to working before 8:30AM or an hour before bedtime, looking at her phone before sleeping/upon waking, and her sense of should/need to/have to.
Honoring boundaries
We’ve set boundaries that are aligned to our intention and deeper ‘why,’ our current state, and our sense of joy, excitement, and curiosity. Great!
Now is where the real work happens.
It is easy to let go of our boundaries. Life gets in the way. Temptations creep up. In the process, our goals and aspirations can grow more distant.
How do we uphold and honor our boundaries?
(Re)connect to their purpose
Design them as experiments
Too often, we lose sight of why we set these boundaries in the first place. As a result, they feel like burdens that limit our freedom.
However, limits and freedoms are directly related. We cannot have one without the other.
What are the freedoms you gain from the limits of your boundaries? What are the limits you face from the freedom of not honoring your boundaries?
Anya's freedom to sleep late and work/look at her phone whenever she wants (i.e., not honor her boundaries) limit her vitality, progress, and trust in herself to follow through on her word. The limits Anya places on her sleep, work, and technology (i.e., her boundaries) enable her freedoms of greater energy, presence, creativity, inspiration, and fulfillment. They also enable her freedoms of empowerment, agency, and integrity. Anya values the freedoms from her boundaries more than the freedoms and limits from not honoring them, so she deepens her commitment.
Reminding ourselves of the inseparability of limitation & freedom, and of the limits and freedoms associated with our choices, helps us reconnect to our purpose for setting these boundaries. This is a practice to be repeated and deepened.
And…
We change! Our circumstances change! Change is inherent to life.
Upholding outdated boundaries that no longer serve who we are and what is most important to us today can make us unnecessarily rigid. We may find that the freedoms we gain from our boundaries are not as important to us anymore. Or we may find that our boundaries are not that effective in addressing our goals and deeper ‘why’.
Experiment with your boundaries for 2-4 weeks and capture what you learn throughout the process:
What works?
What doesn’t?
What (if anything) can be changed?
At the end of your experiment, reflect on what you’ve learned and decide on whether you want to continue upholding your boundaries or make a change.
After 2 weeks of doing her 1-hour morning ritual, Anya feels more energized, vital, and at ease. She loves the practice and wants to continue, however she notices that her desire for greater contribution is not really being addressed. She decides to revise the question at the end of her ritual to "what is one way I can contribute to others today?" She will experiment with this for the next week and see what, if anything, shifts. Anya also senses how a new international project might require early morning calls. She decides to have a conversation with her manager to proactively set norms and begins to brainstorm other potential modifications to her ritual.
Treating our boundaries as experiments allows us to stay flexible, attuned, efficient, and effective with the limits we set. We are committed to our growth and we see the process as ever evolving, with no real destination or end point. We remain learners of ourselves and the world. We lighten up, and take ourselves less seriously :)
What boundaries are you playing with right now? What is your deeper ‘why’? What are you learning from your experiments?
Reach out for a free consultation on how better set and honor your boundaries.
*Fictional name for anonymity